#12daysto32 Day -5: Hearty Lunch at the Mooon

It was only last night when I had written this.  It was only last night when I became more determined to keep my only hope.  But today, something unexpected came up.  From out of the blue, my friend Pen2x just texted me to have lunch with her.  It was just a casual catch-up-with-a-girl-friend kind of lunch until surprisingly, Pen2x asked me about the matter of the heart.

As a secretive person, I don't usually open up to friends with what's inside my heart.  If possible, I'd like to keep the matter of my heart all by myself.  (That's why I gave birth to this blog.  So I could just write all my heart out without reservations!)  But with Pen, I couldn't hide a thing from her with the kind of prangka questions she threw at me.  It was like being on a hot seat with Boy Abunda where you can just answer back and admit some feelings.  Then she gave me what she quoted as "unsolicited advice".  It only took a few minutes for her to nail it!  She directly shot the target which made me into thinking, up and awake until 2 AM!

Definitely, everything she said were all so true.  By now, I have to admit that I've been living in illusion.  Last summer, I had written this - my way of saying goodbye.  But I didn't do it completely for I still held on to the fantasy.  I think it's about time that I must reiterate my way of saying goodbye.  On contrary to what Pen said, I couldn't, couldn't confront him for a closure.  As what Steph said in Maybe This Time, "Sometimes not having closure is the closure!".  I couldn't demand that from him so I'll just have it by myself.  I just hope that this time, it will work out.

After years of keeping him in my heart, again I say that I'm now letting him go.  This is for the better, this is for my growth.  Not being teary-eyed while writing this I think, is a good sign unlike before.  Maybe this time, I'll be starting over again.  Ok, fine!  So be it!  If this is God's will, then I'm heeding it.  Though I am not heeding heartily, I'll just let it be.  For what else can I do?  He is God and I am not.  It just confuses me why He even gives us freewill if He still controls our fate?  He intervenes a lot, as in a lot!  With my career and with this, it just sucks!  Ooops, sorry.  I think I might just stop this before I sin any further.  Sorry, Lord but I guess people need someone/something to blame for the misfortune, the misery, and the misadventure they have......

Anyway, thanks Pen at nauntog na rin ako!  You are heaven-sent for me to wake up to my senses!  

         

Tweet

Closing Doors.....

As you might notice in my blog posts these past months, I've been grumbling over being SINGLE!  So if you’re following me, my deepest apologies.  But God has been doing something these past months!  I just don’t know if it is still good to me or not ‘coz all I have now is an aching heart.  And it all started when I came to know that the last bachelor high school crush I have had already been married!

Looking back, I was so disheartened knowing about it!  Imagine that?  All my crushes had gone out getting married yet I happened to end up as a no-boyfriend-since-birth-old-maid-teacher!!!!!  Now who says that that doesn't suck big time, huh???!!!!!  Additionally, God has been making more fun of things by sending someone to me who enabled me to divert my attention instantly and inspired me to take an effort to believe.

So there I went efforting to believe again!  I tried to wish, I tried to dream, and I tried to hope.  I was even casting to the universe my desperate call which I thought would work.  Sad to say, nothing happened!  In as early as "in the first place", I knew that it was not meant to be.  So I tried to let it go.....

In my effort of letting it go, I decided to just live life to the fullest with a very big tampo to God.  Then I went to JCI Natcon 2013 in Iloilo to make myself realize that there is still a very big world out there and I should not limit myself in settling for what/who is less.  I could say that because I know deep down that I am more than what he is worth.  But God was such a joker god!  As soon as I arrived in Ozamis, I got news of him asking my number.

Then he got my number and we started texting.  It was just friendly texting but trust me, I hoped!  I even thanked God for the most wonderful birthday gift He had given me!  After two and a half years, I finally got a textmate again and I finally got a reason to smile again.  

Albeit the "good mornings", "have you eaten?", "be safe", and "good nights" (in pure vernacular), I knew that he was only riding on me.  He was not hitting on me but riding on me for I know that he had detected that I like him.  He was just only fishing......

But still, I got kilig and it was only to him whom I agreed to jog with or go out with but never did happen!  It was only to him that I was open to possibilities.  Of all my crushes, it was only to him that I was game!  Maybe I got too atat which scared him away.  Of course, I felt that!  And I knew all along that again, he was only fishing.....

After a week of texting, I had come across this IG post reminding me not to take matters in my own hands.  As what has God been telling me these days to WAIT, this post became my wake up call.  So I prayed to God to close what he had opened.  Could you see what happened?  I was already OK in letting go of him after Iloilo but God made a way for me not to let go of him by giving me quiet a chance to be closer to him.  Isn't that sooooo unfair???!!!  

Photo from Web

I'm sorry for these grumblings again but after a week of living my life in limbo, God had indeed closed the door.  In a snap, he stopped texting me!  So now I'm back into not lowering down myself.  My life is now back to normal, back to standard, back to myself, back to an unattended phone, and back to candy crushing!  I know it is boring and I've been bored and tired and tired and bored!  But at least, God had spared me from a future fatality by closing the door as early as now!  So despite the heavy heart, I am still thankful to "the guy" for the cheap experience I had with him and for making me realize that he is just until there and that his mission in my life has been accomplished!        

Tweet