9/23

If America has 9/11, I have 9/23. I’ve been commemorating 9/23 of every year since 1999.

9/23/1998 was what I called as “The Bonding”. Remember what I told you about the schemes my friends were making? This was the biggest scheme they’d ever done! The greatest effort in fact! But only those who were there and who have good memories will know what I’m talking about. I need not elaborate the exact happening but I’ll just tell you of what I felt during this momentous day of my life.

To start with, I woke up that day with a very heavy heart. I had realized that I had fallen for him and there was no chance of him liking me too. It was all because I treated him so badly when he wanted me to be his friend. I regretted a lot and I concluded that it could never be us.

When I arrived school, I heard rumors of him and his long-time crush to be together. Then my heart sank again. But my friends were so alert that they hindered it and tried so hard to make it “him and me”. Luckily, they succeeded in their plot. I was so happy that until now, I’m indebted to them for making such a great surprise! They had given me my happiest day.

But that was only for a day. The happiness I felt that day was replaced with sorrow in the following days of my existence. I wanted him so much – the one and only him. It was just so crazy! Even though we were apart, even though we were not that close as friends, even though we never shared special moments together, still I loved him. For years, I did! Of course there were other crushes but he was just so different. I really couldn’t understand why up to this very day. He seemed to be etched in my heart thus I had written the following composition last September 23, 2009:

11 Years Ago.....

11 years ago, I fell in love. I was only turning 16 then but it felt so real and it felt so right.

11 years ago, I was so happy for a day. So happy that I could still feel it right now!

11 years ago, exact date as now, I couldn't sleep. I kept on thinking of him, savoring the moment we had that day.

11 years ago, in this very same room, I wished that hopefully it will be him and me.

A wish that has never been granted up to this day.

A wish that's only in my mind and in my heart that God doesn't hear.

Because in reality, until now, I only long. I only hope. And I only wish.

I often ask myself, "Would that only be my first and last time to fall in love?"

"Won't I ever experience to love again?"

That's my "11 years ago".

And all through these years, it's only him.

All through these years...

Then they say that it pays to wait.

But, if I've waited this long, can God give justice to my "11 years ago"?

And that was it - still a question left hanging. Hoping against hope, everything just went to ground zero when I found out months ago that he already got married. Henceforth, justice was not served!

A note from him that I've been keeping. Get to notice my name misspelled.

Of course it still hurts. God knows I preserved myself for this person only. I didn't give anybody else chances to court me or even come up to me for I was afraid I might fall for them too. I remained single because I was still hoping for him and if he does come my way, it might be too late. It couldn't be us for I had committed to somebody else already. I couldn't allow that to happen for the reason that it was only him that I wanted most.

Craziness, isn't it? I am so abnormal! Loving a person who never loved me back. Worst, loving him even in his absence! This is so effin' pathetically ridiculous and I hate myself for this! I am so damn a fool! I had wasted time, boys, and chances of falling in love just for him. But, it's me who's to blame and it's me who's at fault.

And now that he's married, 9/23 of 2011 would mark the end of this obsession. Well, it's about time! I had to move on and grow up. I had to be open to possibilities with any guy I meet. In commencement to this first love story and after pouring all my heart out into this writing, I would like to inform him that I'm letting him go. It's painful for I have been nursing a soft spot in my heart for him for years. But what can the damsel in distress do?! Go up to him and tell him that she loves him? No way! It would just be a waste! Anyhow, I can manage. I've been managing long enough, right? And as far as I'm concern, I had lived. Just let me do the honor of giving this final message to him:

Dear First Love,

As an evidence of not keeping you in my heart anymore, I am now accepting your friend request in Facebook. It had been there for almost two months already. Sorry to keep you waiting but just consider that I had a total of 13 years of waiting in vain. Without bitterness in my heart, I wish you a happy married life! :-)

From,

A Grown-Up Osang

So long to my first love! I now bid him farewell! I promise myself that there'll be no 9/23 next year anymore!

Finally, my first love story has ended. Thank you so much for bearing with me all throughout September! Though I've never been into a relationship, seeing sweethearts warms my heart. So I'm giving these lovely couple key chains for you and your sweetheart. Just do the following easy steps:

1. Click LIKE on the Facebook Button below.

2. Have your sweetheart to LIKE this too.

3. Email your name, your sweetheart's name, and mailing address to maryrosalieo@yahoo.com.

The 13th (for the 13 years) person to send in his/her entry will be proclaimed the winner. Deadline for submission of entries will be on September 30, 2011. So join now and have these cute little tokens of love!

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If

After bumping into him with another girl, I told myself that it’s already hopeless. Efforts of my friends were already made. I had also shown him what I felt. But he didn’t seem to acknowledge everything. And sure he knew! He just ignored it for he didn’t see me the way I was seeing him.

It really hurt big time! All the regrets and all the “if’s” in the world came out. If only I was kind to him when he was befriending me before. If only I didn’t make him look dumb every time I insulted him. If only I didn’t hate him without any reason at all. If only…..

The last few months of my senior year were scarred with painful memories of him going out with his girlfriend then another girlfriend then another girlfriend. He always changed girls but he never did pick me! I felt so embarrassed of myself and I felt like I was the ugliest girl in town. It was so humiliating in my part because I was the intelligent one compared to the girls he was dating. Unfortunately, the battle then was not of the brains but of the beauty. And unfortunately of all unfortunately, I was indeed the ugly duckling.

Thus, I had made the most out of my senior year! Aside from enriching my extra-curricular activities, I had unexpectedly fallen in love and had my very first broken heart. At that point in time, I thought that was the most painful thing in the world that could ever happen to a person. Sleepless tearful nights, gloomy days, and absent-minded afternoon hang-outs. It was like living as a human zombie.

On graduation day, I was not that happy. Graduation for me marked the end of carefree and joyous high school days. I had to bid goodbye to my classmates and friends. Moreover, I was disappointed of not getting him to look my way until the day we parted. But in consolation, he congratulated me when we crossed path outside the Cathedral after our graduation rites.

Then I went to Misamis University for college and he went to another university in a different place. Being miles away from him, I thought I could forget him. I went on with my life partly happy of not seeing him with his random girls anymore. But in our first semestral break, we met in a common friend’s birthday party. My heart was beating so fast just at the mention of his name.

When he arrived, I was already shaking. My friend noticed and prompted me to relax. So I avoided him and went to the veranda of their house. When he was done eating, he went outside and I went inside again. After a few minutes, he followed inside and sat right next to me. I could not move out anymore so I just stayed. Then he asked me how I was doing. I just answered him flatly and I stood up quickly to go outside again. I felt that I was so snobbishly bad again. I didn’t treat him well again – I felt like I insulted him. But it was not supposed to be that way. I was just unsure of myself, unsure of my words, and unsure of my actions. So I’d better get out from the situation before he saw the sadness in my eyes longing for him.

At that night, I couldn’t help but cry! After months of not having those tearful nights, there I went again. I regretted for not talking to him nicely that afternoon. If only I could turn back time….

Just what’s exactly in him that made my world shaken this way?! Who is he that he takes in control of my mind and my heart as well? Who is he to make me regret of the things I had done so badly? Who is he to affect me so much for a very long time even in his absence?

If

If there’s only one thing to ask, it would be you

If there’s something I could give, that would be my love for you

If there are things to sacrifice, I’ll risk for you

If given a chance, I’ll prove all of these are true

But these are just wishes, hoping to be granted

Hiding these to myself, feeling I’ve been cheated

Keeping my only hope, waiting to be lifted

Holding these dreams patiently, nothing would be dreaded

If there’s only one place to go, I’ll choose to be at your side

If there’s a hand to hold, it would be yours to guide

If there are words to say, I’ll tell you what’s inside

If only you know all of these, then I’ve got nothing to hide

I’m looking forward for that big day

Somewhere along the line, it’s not just a fantasy

All wishes and dreams will come true, they say

And everything will turn out to be a reality

- Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca (July 13, 2002 Sat. 10:04 PM)

Watch out for the ending of this first love story! It will be published next week only here at maryrosalieo.blogspot.com!

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Still Hoping

In one way or another, we love. We long to love and be loved in return. Whether it be reciprocated or not, we still desire it, want it, and hope for it. Just as this poem is conveying:

                                                                      Still Hoping

Tears that I can't hide

Keep hurting me inside

I found you to be my guide

All I want is you by my side

Why can't I keep you?

All this feeling is true

I don't know what to do

'Coz everything turned blue

It's hard to set you free

Knowing that we're gonna be

Together forever you and me

I'm still hoping for you to see

I told myself to let go

But I just can't do

Can't you see that I've fallen for you

I'm waiting for you to say you're feeling the same way, too

I'm still hoping

I'm gonna give my every being

For me to hear what you're feeling

Just bear in mind that I'm still hoping

- Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca (December 7, 1998 11:30 PM)

Yeah, right! This is another composition of mine - another desperate move to my "loving" attempt. The tone of the poem clearly says that it's a sad love story. So now, let me continue narrating to you my first love travail.

As I've said, I hated him when we were in second year high school. I hated him so much that just with the smell of his perfume, my blood boils! I didn't know what made me hate him so, to the fact that he had not done me anything wrong. In truth, he was so friendly and so kind to me despite my rudeness to him. He borrowed notebooks from me politely but I didn't hand them to him. Instead, I threw them at him. He asked me questions gently but I didn't answer him. Instead, I shouted at him. He was as meek as a dove and never did he fought me back.

On that night of pictures of him on my mind, I realized something. I realized that it's payback time. This is what we call as "karma". Wikipedia defines karma as the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect in Indian religion. In my own understanding, it's a consequence / retaliation / vengeance / an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. This is what I earned from being bad.

The following day, I went to school with nothing on my mind but him. Mental telepathy as we have it, he was the very first person I saw at our school's gate! He smiled at me and greeted me but I was so startled. I stood there speechless for a while and I didn't know what to do. My mind said, "Say hi!" but my mouth couldn't let the words come out. So, I just passed by him and hastened my walk in order to avoid him from following me. What a jerk I was!

Recess time came and I wanted to see him. Girls were all over him - wanted to see him, wanted to be with him, and wanted to talk to him. Girls! Girls of all sort! Girls who are fat, girls who are thin. Girls who are ugly, girls who are pretty. And where am I in the picture? There at the corner of the canteen, pretending not to notice but dying to be noticed.

With the knowledge of girls already wanting him, he had built his confidence in his self. He had concluded that indeed he was "somebody" and that encouraged him into courtship. He then courted his long-time crush and this broke my tender heart.

"Why is this thing happening to me?" was the question that always played in my mind. Why had I ever noticed him the way the other girls did? Why did the hate fade and had been replaced with love? Is this love? That's just absurd! I couldn't love him. But why do I feel so jealous and so insecure with myself every time I see them together? Blah blah blah. Plenty and plenty of questions! But what I felt at that time was so real. I regretted for doing him bad before and I hated myself for the feeling of loving him by then.

Fortunately, his crush didn't have any feelings for him. I was so happy! Maybe he will now come my way. But, he didn't. He went courting another girl instead. And that girl hurriedly made him as her boyfriend. She was just so flattered for it was the campus crush who paid her attention. "OK, well. That will not last," I was so bad again thinking this to myself.

Truly, it did not last and this made me hope again. Even my friends went up to him, insinuating of my feelings towards him. They were teasing us every time he comes near me. They were so supportive making childish pranks for us to be together. It was so exciting! I felt that it's gonna be it until one afternoon came that we bumped into him with another girl by his side.

Will there still be hope in this love story? Find out next week at maryrosalieo.blogspot.com!

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9/23

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First Love

Time flies so fast and another September is here. For most people, September marks the beginning of the "–ber" months meaning, Christmas is already in the air. For some, September is a dreadful month, a reminder of the New York twin tower attack. For others, it’s just "30 days has September". And for me, September always takes me back in time to September 1998.

I was already in fourth year high school that time. It was my last year in high school and before the school year started, I already promised myself to make the most out of it. As a fulfillment to that promise, I participated in all school activities like the jingle contest for Nutrition Month in July, “Kalayaan” speech choir for Buwan ng Wika in August, and cheer dance competition for Intramurals in September.

The month started with the audition for the cheer dance. The cheerleaders were mostly from section 2 and the rest of the lower sections since they were more gifted in dancing than us, from section 1. It was funny auditioning to them for they also didn’t want to judge us. Ending, they let all section 1 passed because they were too shy to let any of us down.

When rehearsals came, we were so excited to learn the chants and yells! Daisy Jane Tan was the one who taught us. We had our chanting practice first in our classroom. As we were following Daisy Jane, somebody from the last section came in late. It was no other than my previous classmate in second year whom I hated so much! I ignored him but during the break, he said “hi” to me. I just rolled my eyes and didn’t response. Unknowingly and without any hint, this was my first encounter of him that marked my magical month of September of the year 1998!

Then we always met for rehearsals every afternoon after class and every Saturday. I was so happy with the rehearsals for it was my first time to join a cheer dance competition! He was always there but I didn’t care until one afternoon came when he didn’t join our rehearsal. I wondered why but I just let it pass because I didn’t care.

The morning after as I arrived in school, there was a great commotion going on! Girls were yelling everywhere. I hurriedly looked for my classmates so I could ask them what was happening. But when I passed by the hallway, a friend from the lower section told me that the pictures were already posted! “Pictures!” I thought sighing. Only pictures and girls go gaga over them! “How stupid!”

I just passed by the mob of girls looking at the pictures and when I entered our classroom, the section 1 girls were also talking about the pictures. “What’s with the pictures?”, I asked them. And they answered, “They were all so good-looking especially ______!” So, that was it. The person whom I hated so much in second year high school instantly became a campus heartthrob! And that was why he wasn’t in our cheer dance competition anymore – he shifted to join another contest!

Recess came and more freshmen and sophomore girls were now crowding to take a look at the pictures. Lunch came and the scenario was still the same. And in the afternoon dismissal, the more girls were there. But one classmate urged me to come with her so she could take a look at the pictures again. I didn’t have a choice but to accompany her. So, I did take a look at the pictures.

Those were just normal pictures however, something was stirred up inside of me. There was something in the pictures that transformed him. I evaluated them for a while for flaws and suddenly, I ended up admiring him. Truly, he was not the same person as portrayed in the pictures. He had became different. He stood out among the rest! He surprisingly became the apple of my eyes. I stood there frozen with what I had seen until I noticed my classmate was already poking me for I didn’t hear her say that we had to go. So I got back to my senses again.

On my way home, I was not myself. I always thought of the pictures. I said to myself that it could not be. My one and only enemy had became different! He instantly turned out to be a celebrity. I could not believe it! Henceforth, what happened was real and I had to admit that. Even to myself, I could say that he indeed looked good. He had became handsome! At that night, I couldn’t sleep. His face was always what I saw. And this paved the way of having my first love – one that branded my entire love life!

Find out more about my first love journey! I'll be dedicating this whole month of September 2011 to him. So, keep on reading maryrosalieo.blogspot.com!

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9/23

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Old Maid

A scary word, isn't it? I don't understand why nine out of ten people make a very big deal out of this word. They consider it as a misfortune, an outcast, and worst of all, a scare!

When a woman stays single, people immediately think that she's not lucky in love. That she has been badly broken-hearted, that she has never had the chance to meet her soulmate, and that cupid missed his target on her.

Pretty silly though, but it's true. For they say that falling in love comes only once in our lives. And it's up to us whether to pursue it or not. Love is a risk and is a matter of taking chances. And these so-called "old maids" chose not to pursue it for very reasonable reasons....

Reasons that do no just came out of the blue but reasons that are based on experiences and truth.

People also think that old maids are pitiful and miserable. It's always a connotation that they are bitter to life. It has been a trademark for them to be moody, irritable, and unkind.

Well, these have reasons too. And whatever those reasons are, these are acceptable if only we open our minds and put our feet in their shoes.

Lastly, ladies are always threatened by the word "old maid". Nobody ever wants to be one! As a result of the society's prejudice, it became a mind set that being an old maid is a very unfortunate fate. It is as if it's a curse, an incurable disease, and a disgrace.

So what if there are old maids. Each one of them has her own unique story to tell that ought to be appreciated. So why pity them? It is their choice to stay single for through it, they find happiness.

I think it's about time for us to see old maids in a different way. Behind every choice are reasons. And behind every reason are principles. We can't just choose and buy a pair of shoes without testing if it fits our size, suits our style, is comfortable to wear, and most importantly, serves to protect our feet as its purpose.

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A Desperate Housewife

In a luncheon party at my friend’s house, I happened to encounter a 30-something married woman. She wore a loose T-shirt, knee-length pants, rubber slippers, and a gloomy face with scrunchy on her head. In short, she was a sore eye to me! She was undesirable to talk to but she talked! She worried a lot about her kids who were left at home.

At first, I was trying to ignore her but suddenly, she blurted out something about her husband. She said that she’s very discouraged with her life because of her husband. “Huh?”, was the only thing that first popped out from my mind. I wondered so I gave her a fraction of my attention.

Then she looked at me with a “I once was like you” look. I hated it and I gave her a “Who are you?” look. She then told me and the other guest in our table that she once was slim, had donned beautiful dresses, had worn make up, and had never went out of the house without her hair done right. “So what?!”, I told myself rolling my eyes. Then she added that everything would be so different if you’re married, have a husband who turned out to be a monster, and have kids.

She then told us how her life was when she was younger. According to her, she was once a what-she-wants-she-gets kind of girl. She had lots of suitors but ended up with the guy whom everybody in her family hated because they didn’t see any good thing about him. But she was so in love with him and disobeyed her parents (as what she always does anyway according to her) just to be with him. So, she married the guy and has two kids with him.

After an against-all-odds marriage, the perfect gentleman she knew suddenly became a complete asshole! Her husband became a drunkard and a drug addict. On the process of telling her story, I was so dying to ask her why won’t she just leave her husband. She was so pathetic! I always hate women who are martyr and who sacrifice a lot in the name of love! Just from her story, I could tell that she’s totally a different person from who she was before the marriage or to be accurate, before she fell in love with the person she married. She didn’t even finish college because of the guy! Well, he just promised her the moon, the stars, the universe indeed if she’s gonna marry him. But all the promises in the world were broken.

In contrary, she’s the one who’s providing for her family. She’s working hard selling bananaque at her kids’ school. A classmate from college saw her one time and asked her what happened to her. She answered back “This is my destiny”. The heck with destiny! Why blame it to fate?! My blood pressure started to shoot up but I never did ask her the question. I never had the guts to do so. Instead, I just sat there, totally shocked with her unfortunate “destiny”, and began telling her that everything’s gonna be alright. Too ironic! I was so surprised by myself! Despite from the anger that I felt because of her foolishness, I’ve said that?! Huh! Unbelievable!

Well, maybe deep down, I understood. Maybe deep down, I had somehow related. Maybe it’s an instinct for women to console each other no matter what foolishness each one had done….Women are women. All foolishes when it comes to love! However, let's do our very best not to become a desperate housewife!

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Being a Tweener

I'd like to share my very first poem. I composed this when I was still 12 - first year high school at ICC-La Salle.

Do Love

Do not change your love

That fly like a dove

It's a thing you can keep

That many people peep

Everybody knows

Everybody shows

Loving forever

Can't change to never

Set it free

And go to a tree

Wish for something

And you can get everything

Save it for me

A happy as you be

I care for you

Because I love you

- Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca (September 26, 1995)

Does the poem make sense? Well, this was just written by a tweener. Now, what is a tweener? This is a new word in this new generation that refers to a person in between ages 10-12. That's derived from the word between. Thus exists the word tween or tweener - not a kid anymore but still not yet a teen-ager.

In this stage of life, various confusions arise. Some want to stay as kids but some are so excited that they start to act as grown-ups. Some thinks they are not good-looking but some are so confident with themselves. Identity crisis also arises - am I a boy or a girl? These are only a few of the issues that tweeners are facing.

As for my being a tweener, I could remember that I wanted to remain as a kid. I didn't want to grow up yet. I fought it for a while but I couldn't help it. My hormones opted me to grow! I just suddenly disliked playing with my Barbie dolls, lost interest in watching Cartoon Network, and I didn't have an appetite for Lipps anymore.

On the other hand, new interests sprang up like reading Sweet Valley pocketbooks, collecting hair clips and headbands, hanging out with my girl friends and started talking about boys! Interests on boys surprisingly came and I just suddenly took notice of my classmate who was my then neighborhood playmate. It's so funny thinking about it now! But by that time, he had became my world. And this poem is all so written because of him.

So, now let's go back to my question earlier. "Does the poem make sense?" Of course the answer is "yes"! Because at the time of writing, the feeling was so real. May it be written by a tweener or a teen-ager or an adult, all feelings are real! It just depends on our level of maturity. I may laugh about it now, but still that was what I felt before and it was all so real!

And to all tweeners out there, enjoy this phase of your life for this only comes once and will never come back! Express whatever you feel and whatever you want! You are entitled of that yourself! And take note, just be happy!:-)

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Getting Started

2004 - T'was the year that I first read a blog of Atomic Girl at Blogdrive.com. I was searching for Atom Araullo and her blog appeared wherein she talked about seeing Atom in campus. Well, she's another Atom fanatic. Good for her, she also went to the same university as Atom was. Bad for me, I failed to be in that university so until now I haven't seen Atom in person.

Anyway, since I read Atomic Girl's blog, I started writing mine but only in a notebook. Unfortunately, that first blog notebook I had was burned due to bad circumstances.

2011 - I came to a blog site of Patty Laurel here at Blogspot.com. Not coincidentally, she also had a connection with Atom Araullo. I literally wasted my time with her blog and this inspired me to create my own blog.

Anyhow, since high school I have compositions - poems, songs, script, etc. All of these were written on paper - some drafts I even keep until now. Maybe this is now the time for publishing.

What will I write in my blog? What will I want people to know? Perhaps I'm gonna write my compositions here. Perhaps I'm gonna write about the places I had been to. Perhaps I'm gonna write about people that might be of interest to the public.

I'm so excited for this new endeavor! I hope I'm gonna have readers. I hope this blog will turn out great!

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