He's Still Watching Me

Months had passed and I’m still thinking of him.  I missed him yesterday, I miss him today, and maybe I will also miss him tomorrow.  Just until when will I miss him?! 

Months had passed and there’s still no “next please”.  Nobody had ever approached aside from him.  Just how long will I sit here waiting?  This current state is just so pathetic!

-        Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca

      July 29, 2011

I super missed him!  I missed our talks, our laughs, our nonsense!  And now, I don’t have a textmate and a phonepal anymore.  I don't have somebody to occupy my mind.  Worst, I don’t have somebody who has the power to make me smile anymore…:(

Twice of seeing and talking with him after we parted ways showed no spark in his eyes at all.  It was so unlike before that it was only me he was seeing and it was only him I was seeing.  Unlike the times when we got to ignore the people around us.

As I looked into his eyes during those two brief and stolen moments, I asked myself “What happened to us?”  But I quickly shook the thought off from my head and acted normally casual.  Anyway, I’m just glad that he still comes to see me.

Then I knew it!  Eventhough without words, I felt it.  It must had been love!  Love was there.  Love not the boyfriend-girlfriend type.  Love not just a friend but more than a friend.  Love not to a sister from a brother or vice versa.  But love unexplainable!  A very special kind of love, a rare love, a precious one!

I don’t have a heavy heart anymore.  I’m glad that we had managed to save what we had.  I’m still special to him and will always be as what he is to me.  I just lift everything to the Lord God Almighty who created this special bond between us.

Then there was once this Chinese song about the moon that says “the moon represents my heart”.  Like the moon, he will always be there.  Like the moon, he’s still watching me.  A certain movie also says that time is meaningless when you are in love.  But there ain’t no guarantee that I can wait.  So as February ends, allow me to also end this love story for the meantime.  There were already plenty of blah blah blahs and my message to him is just so simple:

“This I promise you – if in another lifetime we’ll meet again, I’ll never let you go…..”

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If that song had been out by the time our magandang pagtitinginan was about to end, I would not have shed buckets of tears!  If only I had listened to my other “conscience”, I would not have gone deeper.  If only I ignored, I would not have been so affected.

Because the love story ended.  Love stories that seldom happen to me.  It was just so bad because we were left without a choice.  I pitied him, I pitied me, I pitied us!  It was so hard accepting the truth of us parting. 

Sad to say, my reason to smile had become my reason to cry.  I hated myself for allowing him to let me fall for him!  I was so so so bitter!  I was sour-gripping!  I was stupid!  I didn’t have any outlet to shout out loud my madness at that instant.  My only friends were Snickers, siomai, and tequila (see My Notes at www.facebook.com/maryrosalieo).

Acceptance, letting go, and moving on – 3 difficult phases that I had to undergo all by myself.  It pained me a lot because it was so unfair!  That for the first time in my life, I had loved somebody who loved me but it just couldn’t be.

Then again, I came to ask.  What if he turned out to be a totally different person while I also turned out to be another totally different person in a different lifetime, would our fate have changed?  But we cannot choose the person we fall in love with ‘coz it just happens!

However, I didn’t have any regrets because falling for him was still something beautiful.

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful happened to me!  I fell in love!  Though it left me, it’s still beautiful.  Yes, I’ve cried.  And though I’ve cried, it’s still beautiful.  It made me feel human!  It made me feel alive!  It was unexpected and made me realize not to be afraid to fall. 

So now, I’m excited for the “next please…”.  Maybe this time, it will stay not for a while but for a long time…  But I’m not wishing for forever since I’m not yet ready for the real thing.  Love love love!  Come love!  Come magic!  Come beauty!  Come and make your surprises!

-        Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca

               April 11, 2010

His mission in my life had been accomplished!  Next in line please…

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Love Comes Unexpectedly

Love comes unexpectedly.  It comes at the least expected time, from the least expected person, and through the least expected way.  You’ll just be surprised by the sudden turn of events.

 

It comes regardless of status, regardless of age, regardless of beliefs, regardless of other circumstances thereof!  It comes, may stay for a while, may stay for a long time, or may stay forever.  May it stay or leave.  May it bring laughters or tears.  The important thing is, you’ve loved!

You are human!  You’re entitled to be crazy over love!  No matter what your love story is at the moment, it is perfectly made just for you!  So, savor it as long as it is there – as long as it lasts.  Maybe it will last for a lifetime. 

May love come, may love go.  Just always open your heart to it then you’ll end up amazed by the magic it does!  Embrace love, welcome love, and stay alive!  For what is living without loving after all…

-        Mary Rosalie T. Olandesca

      April 2, 2010  

At the realization of being in love with him, I had written that.  Indeed, my life turned around that it was like living in a teenage dream.  I admit, every single moment I had with him were my firsts.

One look at each other’s eyes, there was understanding.  Subtle moves, waiting for each other, and secret whispers.  Goosebumps, fast heartbeats, and butterflies in the stomach.  Then it came to the point when I realized that sometimes something beautiful happens in this world, you don’t know how to express yourself so you just gotta smile!:)  Damn, I often caught myself smiling!  Contented smiles but sometimes, the eyes show wanting for more….

I didn’t expect our friendship to come that far.  We didn’t expect and try to make a “relationship” out from it for we both know our limitations.  “We” couldn’t be.  It was just enough for us to know that I was his reason to smile and he was also my reason to smile.  Though there were a lot of things left unspoken, it was OK.  We understood our situation and we understood each other.  It was the meeting of the minds, a silent agreement, a sweet attachment!  We were contented with what we had and we cherished all our moments together.

But the love just stayed for a while.  We chose not to bring it to the next level.  We chose to stop from there.  The following song best describes my reasons for not pursuing him:

And the laughters became tears.  While the rose he gave me withered, so as the love faded.  From being blissfully happy, I turned miserably blue. 

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When I was little, my parents constantly warned me never to talk to strangers.  So I tend to be snobbish to people I newly met.  Much more, my mom always told me to choose my friends.  So I never made the first moves to win a friend.  But with my good-natured personality, I attracted real good friends.  I am so lucky that by far, all of them are of good influence to me.  All of them are righteous and all of them love me as I am.

But those friends were mostly girls and gays.  I never initiated to be friendly with boys so I won’t be misunderstood as flirty.  Well, I do have some boy friends but my relationships with them are just limited to “hi”, “hello”, and “how are you?”  Until came such a time that one “hello” from a boy had got me big time!

It was summer of 2009 when I first met him.  It was just an ordinary sunny afternoon when somebody introduced me to him.  I was at the brink of letting go some big dreams at that time and I considered my future uncertain.  To be exact, I was at the crossroads of my life.

Recalling that first moment of meeting him, it was just zilch!  I didn’t look forward to seeing nor meeting him again.  It never crossed my mind that that one afternoon would lead to more sunny days in my once gloomy life.

Then we met again.  I was not friendly to him and he was not friendly to me.  Our meetings were just casual – just merely professional.  He snobbed, I snobbed.  He ignored, I ignored.  I didn’t even get to notice him among the crowd!  One day, something terrible happened.  I didn’t know what got into him that he empathized me.  And that was the start of him befriending me. 

Despite of my ill-temperament towards him, he was persistent.  Though I drove him away, he stayed.  So I got to know him.  He was such a hilarious person!  He’s got plenty of weird stuffs in his head that he ought to tell.  Eventually, I listened.  Oh, why did I even bother?!  It was all because he was so kulit!  So kulit whom you couldn’t resist to entertain. 

So I entertained him because I was confident that he was harmless.  And for the first time in my life, I had a textmate and a phonepal.  Corny as this may, but I was flattered.  Flattered to have someone making me smile for the very first time.  Then the stranger became my friend.  From his simple “hello” to sweet smiles, I felt alive.  Because somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little fights, and all our jokes, I fell in love!

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Officially, Love Month!

As if I have a story to tell.  Do I have the right to talk about love?  I’ll just be laughed at.  Because until now, I’m NBSB (see Home – My 12 Days of Christmas)!  I’m the only one left for the love trip.  All my friends had gone out and found their one true love already.  Who could be mine?

But being an NBSB doesn’t mean that I hadn’t loved at all.  Maybe I have a little something to share.  Maybe I have a love story to contribute.  As what I did in my September 2011 blog posts, yes I did have a love story!  It may just sound childishly pathetic but it was for real. 

And if you had read ‘em, you may think not to read these February blog posts anymore.  But who knows, you’ll be surprised!  Who knows, you’re gonna get to ponder.  Because this time, it is amazingly different!  As everybody is watching out for my upcoming love story, have this for the meantime.  For falling and being in love doesn’t have to be official…..

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